I was going to write about how the last few days have gone and I will later. But then tonight on the way home I got hit with a stomach punch. I haven’t had many of these... you know the ones where they come out of left field very innocently and knock you to the ground tears in your eyes??? Well it came from my 4 year old. He is in love with space, astronauts and lasers this week. He says to me. “Mommy, Daddy... I want to be an astronaut when I grow up”. Brian's response “is that’s great... do you want to ride in a space ship” and he says “yes, we can all go to space and live there. Mommy, Daddy, Joshua, and I. Joshua and I can be astronauts together and fly all over the galaxy.”
I could not say a word. Tear welled up instantly. All I could think of is how do I tell my 4 year old that the one thing his brother can never be is an astronaut. When I was in the hospital this is what the dr on call kept telling me to make me "relaxed" about what the diabetes was going to do to Joshua's life. He said it won’t affect his future in being able to do things and be things. The only thing he can’t do is be an astronaut.
I know this sounds silly but it is hitting me tonight just as hard as it hit me then. I am so sad that there is something... anything that my beautiful baby boy cannot grow up to be. I mean REALLY I know the chances are he wasn’t going to grow up and fly to space... but don’t we all want our children to grow up to be anything they want! In the end I said nothing except “Yes, Jackson that would be nice.”
Oh, my goodness, those little innocent conversations are some times the hardest. But, you know, maybe by the time Joshua is an adult, enough will have changed so that people with T1 will be able to become astronauts.
ReplyDeleteThose are the kind of conversations that quietly break my heart too, I wish that we didn't have to think about the limitations that type 1 diabetes can bring into our childrens lives. Like Heidi said though, things change and technology changes fast...maybe someday our kids CAN be astronauts :)
ReplyDeleteAhhh....tug, tug.....
ReplyDeleteI feel you, my friend.
You never know where we'll be when it's his turn to be an astronaut.
Maybe we'll all be living in space anyway?
I remember feeling the same way when Joe was younger...closer to his diagnosis. I thought of the things he wouldn't be able to do and it made me really sad. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteIt does get better. Unfortunately, like with many things, time is the salve. Some distance between where you are at in the present from where you were at with life "before".
I sure do hope he can have the choice of being an astronaut someday. It would just be so nice to know "d" won't get in our boys' way someday.
Baby, I still firmly believe that at some point in the next 20 years they will find a way to erradicate this D-estroyer of dreams. Joshua already shows glimpses of your personality, and knowing that, nothing will get in his way. You and I will keep aiming for the stars for him. He and his brother will get there if they want to. I have no doubt :)
ReplyDeleteoh man..i had many of those moments when Addison was first diagnosed and I wondered when I would ever stop shedding tears! Like Reyna said, Time is a salve and it does get better. You come to accept certain things over time and don't feel your heart strings being pulled at quite so much..
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) friend.
ReplyDeleteD better look out - we are taking it down! Why? Because Joshua deserves that chance... as do all of our babies.
My littlest guy just said he wanted to be an astronaut too this week! I also held back the tears and told him to shoot for the moon!
ReplyDeleteOh sweetheart, that must have been heartbreaking. I think you said the perfect thing to Jackson and to Joshua too. I know it is hard to avoid thinking about all the things he "can't do". Joshua is a whole person with dreams just as big and strong. (and a Mom and Dad that are even stronger) Diabetes has *given* him the chances to see things, people, and experiances with a prespective that those "astronaut kids" will never and could never have. Would you take it away if you could? Of course. However, I really believe that children with special considerations come into our world because of what they can share with the world that others could never contribute. It would be so easy to see Rob's Deafness as such a great loss... to see him like swiss cheese.. full of holes and lacking. Yet, he is full and whole and richer because of all he brings to the table. I know you "know" all of this, but it is a prespective to be reminded of. Maybe Joshua will *be* the one to grow up and CURE type 1 - something he would have never done if he was up in space.
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