Friday, February 18, 2011

to the DOC

Not sure if you have seen this before I may of posted last year but this is something I found shortly after diagnosis and it is still something I read when having a really bad day.  Hugs and love to you all!! 

How God Selects the Mother of a Diabetic Child
by Erma Bombeck 

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. 

Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with diabetes are chosen? 

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger. 

"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint Matthew." 

"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, Patron Saint Cecilia." 

"Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint Gerard. He's used to profanity." 

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a child with diabetes." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy." 

"Exactly", smiles God. "Could I give child with diabetes to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel." 

"But has she the patience?" asks the angel. 

"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. 

You see, the child I am going to give her has his own world. She has to make the child live in her world and that's not going to be easy." 

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." 

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness." 
The angel gasps. "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?" 

God nods. "If she cannot separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with less than perfect." 

"She does not realize it yet, but she is to be envied. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see .... ignorance, cruelty, prejudice ... and allow her to rise above them. 

She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as if she is here by my side." 

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid air. 

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Guest Blogger: My sister

Im so excited! I've never had a guest blogger before.  For those of you who haven't "met" my sister, she is an amazing person.  She is a newlywed and has a blog that followed her entire wedding planning and is moving in to their life now.  She is married to a 2nd year resident studying pediatrics.  He has this year done rotations in Endocrine which of course is near and dear to our hearts. She is my better half. My best friend. While I am the "older" sister by 4 years she is my inspiration and who I want to be when I grow up. She is an amazing cook, baker (yea I didn't know there was a difference till last year) and friend.  She is an aunt to 5 nephews (2 of mine, 3 of my brothers), She lives in Rochester, NY where she is a sign language interpreter.  We haven't always been best friends but my life is better since we have found out how to be.  We are as different as night and day and yet more alike then anyone I can think of.  She was there when we didn't think Joshua's pregnancy would last, there when he was born and there when he came home a year later with Diabetes.  She is the reason I found you the DOC. She is the reason I started blogging. She wrote a powerful post last year to Joshua and this year she agreed to do a follow up post and give it to my blog,in honor of his Dx anniversary.  If you havent read the first letter I hope you will click on the link above.  I hope you will enjoy it and take a moment and check out her blog while you are there.  

I'm supposed to teach you.

That's the expectation.

They asked me to be your mother before God...but it is you who has taught me about Faith.

I still don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I think sometimes bad things...even really bad things...happen for no reason at all.

I believe It is what we do 
after that bad thing that learning comes from. The growth. Growth that is a decision and a choice. A hard one but one we must make and commit to. Like Love.

However, it is Faith, as you have taught me, that gets you through 
during the bad times. It holds your hand and rubs your temples. It finds ways to help 2 hours of sleep feel like "enough". You've taught us all that before the Learning even has a chance to sink in, when Growth seems impossible to master and Love feels like it's... not enough it is Faith that tells us that we will stand again after the rug has been pulled out.  Faith helps us to stop seeking Reasons & Faith holds us over until we've met an equal friend Acceptance.

I'm supposed to teach you.

That's the expectation.

They asked me to look after you during those first nights when you came home from the hospital as a baby. And then when you came home again...a baby still.

It was you who taught me about Strength. Strength sometimes comes in the smallest packages.

You still touch and teach more people than you will ever know. Every doctor and nurse who had never "seen a diagnosis on someone this young"....every mother who had never "heard of sugars so high". You are special. Special in a way that years to come you might resent and recoil from. Special in a way that makes you curse and say "Why Me?" And when that day comes... when it all seems too much...I'll be there.. trying... to teach you about Faith.

One day, I hope I can teach you. But for now, and on this day, it's me that is learning every single step of the way.

Thank you Sara, for your loving words marking this special week.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

One year ago today

One year ago today I was out of town, Brian was home with boys. We didn't know it but Joshua had been silently fighting for his life for months and now he was within a few hours of loosing his battle. His body was fighting itself and we had no idea. His body was shutting down, his BG was over 1260. He was dying.  The doctors later told us we had just a few hours before we lost him. They had been observing him for several hours thinking he just had the flu.  We are so thankful for the doctor who finally realized he wasn't fighting a flu but something far more lethal.  It took my girlfriend 6 long hours to get me home. The only thing I had to go on was this photo my brother sent me, because I needed to see him. 
This is not what he looked like when I left for the trip.  In less then 12 hours his body had given up the fight. 
Joshua fought, we learned and together we have survived this year.  Today is his one year D- Day. We were going to have a quiet day today go to church, go meet the in-laws for dinner and just really enjoy each other and celebrate in the fact that we have survived.  
Someone had other plans.  All year I have said Glucagon is the best $200 I spent, it is my insurance plan.  Well tonight, at 2:30 am on our 1 year anniversary lucky me I got to use it.   
In a year we haven't had numbers as good as we did these past 2 days.  I thought "okay, yes we can have good numbers".  *Remember Joshua is supposed to be between 150-350 overnight. He is 23 months old so the doctors are more cautious with his numbers.  
He went to bed with a good 143 and 12 carbs uncovered. At midnight he was 118 so we tried to do banana (he can eat one in his sleep), he refused, we tried milk, he refused, we tried apple juice, he refused, we tried icing he refused, we couldn't get him to take anything.  He then 30 minutes later drank 4 oz of apple juice after I begged him to... have you ever tried to beg a 23 month old to do something... well in less then 5 minutes he threw it all up! EVERYTHING came up!  I retested and he was down to a 77.  
So I called our on call doc. He says pull out the glucagon and give 10 units on our syringe.  
THIS scared me to death, I am not sure why but I think I would have been better with him telling me to come to the ER.  All I could think in the back of my head was all the wonderful posts I have read lately about other D momma's who have had to whip out that red box and break the seal.  I walked around the kitchen saying " I will not be scared of the glucagon, I will not be scared of the glucagon."  We retested just before giving it and he had gone up to 88.  Okay I thought maybe we wont have to use it maybe some of the juice got absorbed.  He wanted his binkie so I put some icing on it and he took it.  Retest and up to 92.  "Okay great now i know we wont have to use it!!" 5 minutes later he thew up again. Retest back down.  Retest in 10 minutes and back down again.  This time I knew we would have to use it.   
So I took a deep breath and mixed it.  I wasn't giving it as a matter of life or death and I never thought you would use it at a 77 or above. Instead it was given as a way to avoid a life or death situation, tonight it was used as a tool.  Tonight I was reminded that there is so much more I still need to learn about this new road we are on. Tonight I was reminded that no matter what Diabetes doesn't play fair.  
 So after 30 minutes he was up to 199.  Then 1 hour later he is at 277.  I was reading protocol online and it seems as though my doctor had me a give a TON for his age.  10 units???  I don't know if it is because he uses the smaller syringe.  But 10 units seems like a lot in comparison with the other stories I have read.  I have chosen to give him .5 units of insulin since he is jumping so quickly.  This is the first time I have chosen to do something on my own for him with out consulting the doctor first.  I think he is going to be in the 400's if I dont put a little on board.  I may have to eat these words if at 7 am we are still yo yoing around.  30 minutes after the insulin was on board he was at 270. so at least he is holding steady.  
This is not how I planned to spend our celebration day and yet it just seems so fitting doesn't it??  
Please remember I am not a doctor and I recommend you contact your personal endo before choosing to follow my example. 
Here are some good blogs I could find tonight on using the mini glucagon technique. If you have one you would like me to add please email me and I will add it.  
Beta Buddies
This is Caleb
Justice's Misbehaving Pancreas

Friday, February 11, 2011

Im still here

My dad is recovering at home and is adjusting to his new normal...  We have had croup here so he only went on 1 of the scheduled play-dates a follow up post to come. I wanted to thank you all for your kind comments and warm thoughts.
Also,  If you haven't ventured over to my husbands blog check it out!  He is a wonderful writer and he has posted the poem he wrote after we came home with Joshua.  Sunday will be our 1 year mark and I will post more later about all that. I just wanted to give him a quick post about his touching poem.  I hope you love it as much as I do.