Monday, January 10, 2011

Christmas Funk

Ive been in this funk the last few weeks... I am really frustrated and irritated!  I am so mad that I cant put words to it.  I am over being this "new" person that I am. We had a good Christmas, circumstances being what they are financially we did the best we could.  For me Christmas was a very bitter sweet holiday this year. We spent the entire day fighting Joshua's low. We had a ton of family here which I loved.  I LOVE hosting my family (both my side and Brian’s side).  We have a small 1500 square foot home and when you put 20 people in it, it fills up quick.  But it always works out.  Anyway back to the bitter sweetness. 
I am angry and upset that we had to deal with Diabetes this year, that we had to take breaks to test Joshua. That Jackson had to wait to do his presents till after breakfast because I knew if we started we would mess up the schedule.  I was very sad that Joshua couldn’t just eat whatever and go with the flow.  IT SUCKED!! But every time I got upset I remembered that this could have been a very different Christmas.  Joshua was 11 months old when he was DX last Feb 13th.  He was completely non responsive before the doctors realized what was going on. He had a BG of 1260.  We were told we were within hours of losing him.  So Why cant I just live in the gratitude and not be so angry about it?
My dad was dx with Bladder Cancer in July.  He has been fighting cancer with my mom by his side since then.  They have met with Dr. after Dr. Dad has more “logyst” then I have toes right now but he is fighting, in his way.  He is a strong man and doesn’t discuss what is going on. He went through Chemo all Fall and finished right before Christmas.  On January 31st he has to have a complete Bladder removal.  It is a 12 -14 hour procedure.  Before then he has to meet with more doctors. (in the hospital he had a stroke, and a bowl obstruction alongside the cancer dx).  Again as I was looking at my dad and watching the day I was reminded about how much this sucks and that I HATE cancer.  But I was also reminded that again we could have had it much worse. Dad was in the hospital for 15 days in July.  The reality is that as much as this sucks he was here with us for Christmas.  He is fighting and he will survive.  So why am I so grumpy because I know I won’t be able to do everything for them that I want or need to because I can’t have others care for Joshua and Brian can’t be off work that long.  I am so angry that this disease is costing me time with my parents helping them the way they have always helped me.  Why can’t I just focus on the fact that he is here and we will be okay?
So If I know how blessed I am and  I can see the other side of the coin WHY am I in such a funk.  Why can I not bring myself to blog more and communicate with you.  Why can I not find the energy to do simple things that need to be done?  Christmas has been down for a while and we moved the boys to one room and made a playroom out of the other but I have 2 laundry baskets of books to sort and put away, taxes to start on, Christmas cards to send (okay really how about Valentine’s day cards), a dresser to sell on Craig’s list and the list goes on.  Each of these things will take a few mins but I don’t want to do them... I don’t have the energy to do them.  Then I go to bed angry I didn’t do them... UGHHH it is such a bad cycle!  
Thanks for letting me vent! 

Family fun at Busch Gardens

My Parents with all 5 of the Grandkids *note all boys*

I was so excited to get this photo!!

My Family!

note the testing we had all day of this!!


  1. Shannon,

    WOW, you have had a lot of life changing, stressful events happen in a short amount of time. It is OK to be pissed and not be happy-go-lucky and "thankful". It took me a GOOD year and a half to "snap out of it" and start being in a better place. Give yourself permission to be in a FUNK. It will get better. Time is the biggest healer. Remember we are all here for you and you can vent to us ANYTIME.

    Love and (((HUGS))) to you,


  2. I appreciate your honesty! I love what Reyna said. I cling to the hope these other ladies give me and really it is ok to not be ok for a while. This life is HARD! You are dealing with not just your son's D but your dad and cancer, it's a lot to have on your plate. ((hugs))

  3. Yeah, I agree with Reyna... that's a lot o' crap to deal with. It's okay. Be in your funk. Realize that it is a funk and it will get better. But don't force yourself to move before you have to, because you won't feel any better AND you'll feel guilty about it. Soon you'll just find yourself okay again and you won't even realize that you got there.

    Meanwhile, take care of YOU! Big hugs being sent your way.

  4. Shannon,

    I wish I could offer some encouragement, but all I have to give is some company in that state of 'funk.' I am there, my friend. Venting is good and hopefully will encourage the funk to disappear, but in the mean time just know you are not alone.

    You are one brave Mama. My daughter wasn't diagnosed until she was 8. I cry everytime I hear of a family having to live with T1 diabetes with a child so young. I admire you and your family's courage.


    Choosing JOY in 2011, Amy

  5. Shannon - that is a lot going on. A lot to have on your shoulders. Sometimes when you try and hold a lot together, it catches up with you and a funk ensues. It will pass friend. Just allow yourself the time to be in it, feel it and move on when you are ready...Vent away all you want here...we will be here for you! And don't worry about what you aren't getting done too will get done eventually..there is no hurry..
    Big Hugs to you..

  6. I think the anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Isn't that the normal pattern? Shock, denial, anger and finally acceptance. After 2 1/2 years since diagnoses, I find the anger comes much, much less. But I was shocked I had it at all. It's comforting to know others struggle with it too. God Bless you and your sweet little guy.

  7. I love you honey...funkiness and all :) Believe me, I am right there with you!

  8. Be funky! You have so much going on. It's ok to feel overwhelmed. I will be praying for you sweet friend. Please feel free to call me or email me anytime you want to talk it out!!

    I'm here for you!

    I love the family pictures! Precious!!