Christmas Funk

Ive been in this funk the last few weeks... I am really frustrated and irritated!  I am so mad that I cant put words to it.  I am over being this "new" person that I am. We had a good Christmas, circumstances being what they are financially we did the best we could.  For me Christmas was a very bitter sweet holiday this year. We spent the entire day fighting Joshua's low. We had a ton of family here which I loved.  I LOVE hosting my family (both my side and Brian’s side).  We have a small 1500 square foot home and when you put 20 people in it, it fills up quick.  But it always works out.  Anyway back to the bitter sweetness. 

I am angry and upset that we had to deal with Diabetes this year, that we had to take breaks to test Joshua. That Jackson had to wait to do his presents till after breakfast because I knew if we started we would mess up the schedule.  I was very sad that Joshua couldn’t just eat whatever and go with the flow.  IT SUCKED!! But every time I got upset I remembered that this could have been a very different Christmas.  Joshua was 11 months old when he was DX last Feb 13th.  He was completely non responsive before the doctors realized what was going on. He had a BG of 1260.  We were told we were within hours of losing him.  So Why cant I just live in the gratitude and not be so angry about it?

My dad was dx with Bladder Cancer in July.  He has been fighting cancer with my mom by his side since then.  They have met with Dr. after Dr. Dad has more “logyst” then I have toes right now but he is fighting, in his way.  He is a strong man and doesn’t discuss what is going on. He went through Chemo all Fall and finished right before Christmas.  On January 31st he has to have a complete Bladder removal.  It is a 12 -14 hour procedure.  Before then he has to meet with more doctors. (in the hospital he had a stroke, and a bowl obstruction alongside the cancer dx).  Again as I was looking at my dad and watching the day I was reminded about how much this sucks and that I HATE cancer.  But I was also reminded that again we could have had it much worse. Dad was in the hospital for 15 days in July.  The reality is that as much as this sucks he was here with us for Christmas.  He is fighting and he will survive.  So why am I so grumpy because I know I won’t be able to do everything for them that I want or need to because I can’t have others care for Joshua and Brian can’t be off work that long.  I am so angry that this disease is costing me time with my parents helping them the way they have always helped me.  Why can’t I just focus on the fact that he is here and we will be okay?

So If I know how blessed I am and  I can see the other side of the coin WHY am I in such a funk.  Why can I not bring myself to blog more and communicate with you.  Why can I not find the energy to do simple things that need to be done?  Christmas has been down for a while and we moved the boys to one room and made a playroom out of the other but I have 2 laundry baskets of books to sort and put away, taxes to start on, Christmas cards to send (okay really how about Valentine’s day cards), a dresser to sell on Craig’s list and the list goes on.  Each of these things will take a few mins but I don’t want to do them... I don’t have the energy to do them.  Then I go to bed angry I didn’t do them... UGHHH it is such a bad cycle!  

Thanks for letting me vent! 



Family fun at Busch Gardens



My Parents with all 5 of the Grandkids *note all boys*

I was so excited to get this photo!!



My Family!



note the testing we had all day of this!!