How do you do it?

Okay really I am for real asking this question.  How do you do it all??? I am at a loss... I know I have high expectations for myself but don’t we all?  I want to know how do you take care of 2 kids, (4 yr and 2yr)  do house work, cook be a good and loving wife and still function.  Heck throw diabetes in the mix and I got washed out.  I don’t get enough sleep and I know it but I am so behind on everything!! I work from home which is great for the flexibility but stinky for the accountability.  I am always grumpy, I yell way to much! I can’t even find time to do my blog which I love!  Forget couponing, friends and the gym I need time to shower!
For those of you in the Christmas card switch please know I am hoping to have them to you by New Years
Yes I do have moments here or there but to be honest I’m so exhausted all I can do is sit and stare...
So DOC help me!!  Do you have a schedule you try to stick to get it all done?? Do you do chores on certain days. What is your secret???

Judgement

The other day, I was stunned by this man at home depot. Joshua and I were shopping minding our own business when this man leaned over and said something to Joshua. It caught my attention and so I looked up. He said “how old is he… he is cute”.  I said “21 months”.  He said “well don’t you think he needs to take the pacifier out of his mouth”.  Now... in this moment I had 2 choices ignore him or educate him.  So I feeling rather brave choose the later.  I said to this man.  “Well you know what, it is past his nap time but I have to finish this shopping”.  He said “yes, but really he is a boy... no more pacifiers”.  I said oh so sweetly... “Sir he is a type 1 insulin dependent diabetic.  In order to keep him alive I have to give him a shot with everything he eats or drinks outside of water.  I have to test his blood with a finger prick apx 10 times a day.  I can’t just give him milk or snacks to keep him occupied as we are past nap time.  So I choose to let him have a pacifier.  He will not go to college with it I promise”.  He proceeded to say something under his breath and walk away.  Here is my issue.  I am judged everyday about everything, from my 4 year misbehaving in a store, preschool, thanksgiving dinner or just while I am on the phone.  I am judged when people see me prick my son’s finger, whip out the calculator and then do math for a correction.  I am judged when I am at a friend’s house and I have to ask to see the nutrition guide for the snack they are serving to know how many carbs are there.  I am judged when people learn my 21 month has T1. (I have been asked what I fed him prior to his dx)
I don’t need to be judged for allowing my teething, tired, grumpy 21 month old to use his "binky".  He normally only gets it at bed time this happened to be a special circumstance.  With Jackson we moved to nap time only at 19 months and no binky at 2.  Who knows what we will do this time but I am not taking this away yet from him.  Hey mister, “Your kid can eat a bowl full of goldfish with no complications... so don’t talk to me about he shouldn’t have a binky.. Guess what he shouldn’t have Type 1 either.”
Earlier this week  Hallie wrote about her sleeping habits with Sweetpea. The sleeping issue got me thinking those that judge us for sleeping with our kids probably do not have children that have chronic illnesses..  They can go to bed knowing that if their children have a bad dream they will wake up and come get them.  Little do they know that our bad dream can come true.  I’m not sure why this got me so worked up... but it did.  REALLY in life we need to support each other and move on.  I was so proud of the DOC who responded back to Hallie with lots of kudos and kind words.  I never thought I would be one to let my boys sleep in the bed but given the year we have had if Jackson wants to snuggle I will let him.  Joshua is harder because he is in the crib and he thinks it is play time in mommy’s bed. I also believe they need to be able to sleep on their own but after that it is all about choice... I know I am preaching to the choir on this one but I had to get it out.. The people who judge me for giving Joshua a cookie, a binky, or whatever else need to sleep a night in my house and then they can pass judgment...

Ps… Thank you to Pj’s for a cure!  Brian won these for me from the great Pj Give away.. (Thanks Kris from Sugar Bugs for picking him).  As soon as he gave them to me tonight they went right on.  I LOVE them and they are super comfy!! ps not my best picture ever but wanted you to see how great they are...

My Jackson!

In honor of special sibling of a D- Kid day!

Jackson is just 4 years old.  At just 4 he should be carefree and not worrying about things that he does.  Before Joshua was born, Jackson would talk to him, sign to my belly and try to listen to the heart beat.  When Joshua was born, he could have really cared less.  He thought it was cute to have a baby but he was pretty oblivious to this little person who had invaded his home.  I would say he was also pretty upset about how much time Mommy spent with him.    Today at lunch my "little man" made me cry.  The waitress accidently took Joshua's burger away before we were done.  He was devastated.  I asked him why he was upset. He looked at me and said mommy, I’m worried Joshua is going to go low.  How life has changed in less then 1 year.  When Joshua was dxed. Jackson was not yet 4.  He had to give his mommy up for 6 long days.  Daddy came home only to shower and kiss him goodnight.  He didn’t understand any of this.  We didn’t understand any of this.  When we came home and picked him up from my mom, I found a feverish little boy who had no energy and was wheezing something fierce.  We scooped him up and off to the doctor we went.  We still had our id bracelets on and Joshua in tow.  When we got to the doctors. They couldn’t believe that our 11 month old was dx with diabetes. We spent 30 mins discussing this instead of discussing Jackson's status.  We ended up having to take him to the hospital for a chest xray and it was pneumonia.  This was hard to deal with. This was the first time that D forced Jax to take a back seat.  When Jackson had his end of the year report card from preschool last year, his teacher said , he is the only one that knew his full name, address and phone number.  Jackson and I have role played him having to call 911 and if he were to get lost what would he say. he has this entire script down the cutie.. When he meets someone he introduces himself first and then always tells them my brother has Diabetes.   He has become so protective and loving... yet of course he is a 4 year old boy. He gets frustrated and irritated when Joshua takes his toy, or when Joshua is screaming.  I can tell you Jackson can been in the middle of a full on tantrum and Ill say Joshua is low I need to deal with this. He will stop instantly... He is an amazing, strong, smart, and beautiful boy.  He prays daily for a cure for his brother.  (he always forgets a cure for daddy) Every day when we sit at a meal he pretends to test his sugar.  (He has let me test it 2 times when I was having a very worried moment due to extreme thirst and throwing up) He was excited when his great aunt just gave him a calculator because he would be able to  help with Joshua’s carbs!
I love you Jackson, I love your heart, I love that you are a boy, a real boy and yet you cry when you are worried about your brother, and you want to still snuggle with me.  I love that you will help to care for your brother as you get older.  I love that you have memorized your address and phone number incase Joshua needs you.  It breaks my heart that you have to carry this burden.  It makes me flinch every time you beg for a baby sister and I think to myself, I don’t think I have more to give.  I love you dearly and I love our date time when it is just us.  You little man have my heart forever and ever.  I love you!

Thank you for the nomination!

I'd like to thank Hallie for nominating me for The Versatile Blogger Award!

The first rule of accepting this award is to  thank the person who nominated you.
So... THANK YOU Hallie it is great to be thought about!!  

The next rule is to share 7 things about yourself....

Here goes - 7 random things that you may or may not know...

1.   I used to show dogs professionally growing up.  I was number 9 in the nation for Jr. Showmanship with Bearded Collies.  My parents were dog breeders and they showed champion dogs.  (WE WERENT like the TV shows) None of the frilly crap.
2.  Brian and I meet in college. He was a Jr and I was an incoming freshman. He was my orientation leader and scheduled me to be in an advance class. One of his to be exact. He made me cry on the way home from preview weekend in July and my mom said he liked me... I wasn’t so sure and HATED him.  Fast forward to Sept we became friends in class, my boyfriend and I broke up and the rest was history. WE have been married 10 years this past July.
3.  My dad is currently undergoing Chemo for bladder cancer.  He went in the hospital July 18 for a bowl obstruction and came out 17 days later they found an obstruction, bladder cancer, a hole in his heart, and he had a stroke.  He is one of the strongest men I know and I am PROUD to be his daughter.  He has been a smoker his entire adult life and hasn’t picked up another since the hospital so that he doesn’t have another stroke. He wants to be able to take care of my mom. He has a tough exterior and he would deny it all day long but this man is amazing.  
4.  I don’t believe in the need to "be" a religion.  I believe in a relationship with Christ and the need to know and accept him.  I believe that what ever works for you in finding Christ and you following him is what is best.  I was raised Catholic, I choose to be baptized Mormon when I was 18, Brian and I were married in the Episcopal church our children were baptized there and now we currently attend a Methodist service.  I believe that like many things in life you have to find what works for you now.  It is about the relationship, the teachings and path you take to get to our father, not about the location you choose to worship in. 
5.  I can’t go to a movie without buying Popcorn.
6. I love the beach, but don’t go often enough. I only live 20 mins away but after you drag all the stuff with the kids and the mess that you have to take it isn’t nearly as fun as it was in high school or college to steal away and watch the sunrise.  
7. If I could only take 1 thing with me on a island and it couldn’t be a person, I would take my iPod.  I am a music junkie.  I love it all!! I really like when I leave one of your blogs up in the background so I can listen while I type. Now I am listening to Hallies Amazing Grace. We sang this in church and I didn’t know who did it SO THANK YOU so I can go find it now. 

The final rule of accepting this award is to give it to 12 bloggers that you have recently discovered and think are fantastic!

I am not sure who has gotten this and who hasnt.  Sorry if I repeat you!

1.  Niki at Put your oxygen mask on first
2.  Laura at Houston we have a problem
3.  Donna at http://sugarkidsblog.blogspot.com/
4.  Amanda at Extra sweet girl
5.  Rena at Beta Buddies
6.  Tracy at Our new adventure
7.  Meri at Our Diabetic Life
8.  Sarah at Sfinchams Blog
9.  Misty at Box of Chocolates
10.  Lee Ann at The Butter Compartment
11.  Heidi at D-Tales
12.  Brian at D Dad Speaks

A new DMom

Id love to introduce you to a newer D Mom. I havent had the chance to meet her in public yet but we have a mutual friend who thought we could relate to eachother.  Please pop over to her blog http://vabeachduckfamily.blogspot.com/ and give her a warm DOC welcome!! She is a mother to a 4 year old little girl with T1.  I hope you will enjoy getting to know her as I have!
THANKS
Shannon

My 6 things (better late then never)

**D-blog Day was started on November 9th 2005 (by Gina Capone) during Diabetes Awareness Month, to help unite diabetes bloggers and create awareness about diabetes. For more information, head on over to Diabetes Talkfest

1. Type 1 Diabetes is an autoimmune disease, which means Joshua's body attacked the insulin producing cells in his pancreas.   I promise you I didn’t feed my 11 month old juice and soda every day.  (Yes, one person actually asked me that) As a matter of fact, he didn’t have his first taste of Juice until he came home from the hospital and had a low.  Anyone can develop type 1 diabetes. My husband developed it in his 20's.  Just because you don’t have it now doesn’t mean you are clear.  If your family has a history of Autoimmune diseases then you or your children are at a greater risk of developing one or more of the autoimmune diseases.
2. Type 1 Diabetes is fundamentally different from Type 2.  I get so angry when I hear ads on TV talking about diet, and exercise being able to ward off Diabetes.  NOW don’t get me wrong my mother has type 2 and so does my mother in law so I have great feelings about type 2 as well, however, when my 4 year old says "all Joshua has to do is exercise mommy and he won't need shots anymore", I know that now is the time for more education of the public or a name change. 
3. My now 20 month old has to endure up wards of 10-15 finger pricks a day and shots every time he eats or drinks anything outside of water.  THIS IS NOT an option.  Insulin is not the cure. It only keeps him alive.  Someone said one time that insulin is life support and how true that is. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard "well when you get him on the pump it will all be better"... HECK NO! I am telling you I have read page after page from my AWESOME DOC moms who will tell you the pump helps to manage the monster but it won’t be better till we find a cure.  He will still need finger checks, site changes, and more things that no child should have to go through.
4. I never knew how much sleep I could survive on.  I have always been better at night then in the morning, but since 2/11/10 I think I have aged 5 years.  We don’t sleep for more than 3 hours over night in a row and that is a good night. In order to work my Creative Memories Job, and spend time with my husband most nights I go to bed after the midnight check (if it goes well) and then up at 3:30 then up at 6:30.  This is hard.  I don’t like who I am without sleep. I don’t like the mommy I become.  My husband takes most 3:30s on the weekend but I am still waking with the alarms.  Heck even my 4 year old hears the alarms sometimes. 
5. I was never good in math.  Okay that is an understatement I AM HORRIABLE in math.  In the hospital when they told me what the formula was going to include I think I cried more for that then actually giving Joshua his shot.  I had to take remedial math in college.  NOW my sons life DEPENDS on me getting the math right.  I have to calculate the carb in every bite he actually ate, if he was over or under his target BG level, how much insulin is enough for the coverage and correction of a high if needed.  In addition I must be able to determine how the carbs he ate will be affected by the running around a 20 month old may or may not due in the next 2 hours.  EVERY time I give him a shot, I check it, double check it and then still I wonder did I do it right, did I give to much?  Brian and I have both caught ourselves a few times on the math getting a decimal wrong.  The pharmacy has even given us the wrong size needles and we have drawn into them without knowing it.  (of course we caught it before he got the shot) TO THINK my sons life depends on my math skill and decimal placing is the scariest thing to me in the world.
6. Joshua will NOT outgrow this monster.  When Jackson tells me he is scared in the room at night I tell him mommy paid extra when we got the bug guy to spray for monsters.  He will eventually outgrow this stage and we will move on.  But what about the D monster?? Joshua will never out grow it and no matter how much I "pay" the bug guy, he can’t spray it away.  It is a lifelong condition.  It is also a life threating condition.  Since Joshua's dx I have been aware of 4 families that have lost their child to this monster.  Every day I count my blessings.  We were almost one of those families.  When Joshua was dx his body was almost in shutdown mode. his body had begun to give up.  He laid there for the doctors to continue to try and find a vain with not even a flinch.  He was completely non responsive.  This is a monster and we need your help to get rid of him.

GREAT PJ Giveaway

HI! I wanted to make sure you have all heard about this.  If you havent heard about this yet then PLEASE go over to I am your pancreas and read about this awesome company who is giving away 13 sets of PJs! What is great about this company is that Komar donates 100% of  all sales of these special PJs to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF).  You can check them out here: http://www.pjsforthecure.org/

I know most of my readers are DOC members and you already  know about it but for those of few of you who arent please check them out!  

More to come later! I miss blogging!!  

Roxy the Reindeer

Isnt she cute!! Wait till you read how powerful she is!

As some of you know my family didn’t participate in the walk this year on 10/23 instead we traveled to PA for my sister’s wedding.. (more to come in a different post).  This was a little bitter sweet for us as I really wanted to go to the 1st walk for us but REALLY it was my baby sister’s wedding and BOY was it AWESOME!  Anyway, Brian and I have been trying to figure out what we would do as a family to fundraise. As we watched everyone’s walk videos and cried at each of them we begin to think.  There has to be something.  THEN in August my friend Anna Crowder came home from her companies convention.  I’m not sure if you all have heard of Willow House but they are formally Southern Living at Home.  Well anyway, her company has created this adorable iconic reindeer named Roxy.  Roxy shows up on most of their new holiday line. I love her spunky personality.  EVEN BETTER!!! They have created an ornament of Roxy and $2.00 of each one sold will go directly to the JDRF!! How exciting.... She has worked out a price break for local delivery of $15.10 inclusive of Tax and shipping.  For deliveries that need to be shipped we can work out something as well.  My goal is to sell 100 of them so my family will have raised $200.  I’m very excited and hope you would consider ordering one for your tree and giving one away as a gift to a loved one. 

I dont have a video yet to make you cry but I promise next year I will. Here are just two images to help you know that the JDRF needs your support to help find a cure! 

World Diabetes Day shirts

HI! I just read about the world diabetes day shirts on We Care Alot and was wondering if anyone was placing an order witht their local screen printer.  I am not sure where to start on getting shirts printed but would love to get some of these :)
THANKS in adavance!!

Introducing my husband

HI! My husband Brian has started blogging. He has always been the writter in this family but he has not written in a while. I think he was loving the support I was getting from all of you and decided to let his voice out. He is a great father and a wonderful husband. I hope you choose to follow his blog too!! Please stop by and read a post or 2 and welcome him to the "family". He is also type 1 himself. Although he was an odd case and not dx until 6 years ago. Anyway, I hope you like what he has to say! Hugs to you all!

http://ddadspeaks.blogspot.com/

Brave

So after our crazy night on Thursday, (which, by the way, he finally got up to 180. *we treat for anything overnight lower then 150*), I was supposed to drive Friday night 5 hours to my best friend’s house for her shower on Saturday. Now I have a great friend and she suggested I just come up early morning… so I went back home and went to bed. I got up to do the 3 am testing (with the help of my fabulous husband) and got on the road. It wasn’t to bad. I was really actually dreading the drive- 64 to 95 (towards DC) and then over to WV. BUT you know what I loved the quiet *well truth be told it wasn’t really quiet I had the radio blasting the entire time and had the windows down loving the fall air.* I made great time and got to listen to my head, and a lot of songs. Here is one by Jamie O’Neal that never was released but on her cd. All in all it was a FANTASTIC road trip I loved driving and really was proud of myself when I pulled back into the driveway just over 36 hours later. Ill post more about what happen while I was gone and my thoughts on the trip later.. gotta run now but wanted to leave you with this.

Brave~ Jamie O’Neal
I been down about as low as anyone can get
The whole world was closin' in
Couldn't find a friend
No one else could help me
Had to walk through the fire alone
Life has brought me to my knees
And faith had led me home

Let the storm rage around me
I will stand, I will fight
And when the darkness surrounds me
I will make my own light
I may not win every battle
But I'll get stronger with every fear I face
And I'll be brave

I can be courageous and still be so afraid
I've discovered pain is the beginning to a change
Somewhere deep inside us
There's a strength we don't know we have
Just when you think you can't go on
Suddenly there's a path

Let the storm rage around me
I will stand, I will fight
And when the darkness surrounds me
I will make my own light
I may not win every battle
But I'll get stronger with every fear I face
And I'll be brave

Every time I get back up it gets harder to knock me down
'Cause my soul's on steady ground

Let the storm rage around me
I will stand, I will fight
And when the darkness surrounds me
I will make my own light
I may not win every battle
But I'll get stronger with every fear I face
And I'll be brave

I'll be brave

Late night

Okay so it is 4:19 am EST. I have not been to bed yet. Joshua's numbers are so wacky tonight.. we had a good day a normal numbers day. Met with our Endo RN it went well. Nothing out of the new ordinary till tonight...
Dinner @6:15 274 high for Joshua coverage of carbs and correction for high
Bed time @8:00 test just to see how he is 142 hmm that was quick.
Bedtime Snack and coverage of snack
12:22 87 - okay so 10 cbs of banana
1:12 221 - okay so maybe 10 was to much but I didnt give any correction on this.. I decide to wait it out a little and check again in an hour or so
2:59 141-hmm it came down a lot on its own... weird supposed to be around 150-350 over night so I give him 1/2 tsp of icing as to not wake him again. Ill retest in 30 min
3:40 108!!! REALLY after icing he went DOWN!!! I DONT GET IT!! 14 cbs of juice is my new weapon. I mean really I tried the good bananas, I tied the easy icing... so why not try the juice. okay it is now 4:30 and I'm off to check again! Wish me luck!!

Space Ranger

I was going to write about how the last few days have gone and I will later. But then tonight on the way home I got hit with a stomach punch. I haven’t had many of these... you know the ones where they come out of left field very innocently and knock you to the ground tears in your eyes??? Well it came from my 4 year old. He is in love with space, astronauts and lasers this week. He says to me. “Mommy, Daddy... I want to be an astronaut when I grow up”. Brian's response “is that’s great... do you want to ride in a space ship” and he says “yes, we can all go to space and live there. Mommy, Daddy, Joshua, and I. Joshua and I can be astronauts together and fly all over the galaxy.”

I could not say a word. Tear welled up instantly. All I could think of is how do I tell my 4 year old that the one thing his brother can never be is an astronaut. When I was in the hospital this is what the dr on call kept telling me to make me "relaxed" about what the diabetes was going to do to Joshua's life. He said it won’t affect his future in being able to do things and be things. The only thing he can’t do is be an astronaut.
I know this sounds silly but it is hitting me tonight just as hard as it hit me then. I am so sad that there is something... anything that my beautiful baby boy cannot grow up to be. I mean REALLY I know the chances are he wasn’t going to grow up and fly to space... but don’t we all want our children to grow up to be anything they want! In the end I said nothing except “Yes, Jackson that would be nice.”

7 months in

Okay let me first say I hope this post doesn’t upset any of my family and friends. I don’t know who reads this and who doesn’t but this is my outlet and I don’t want to have to filter myself on here to be PC.

Joshua has been dx with D since Feb 2010 it has been almost 7 months. He is only 18 months and is not communicating his diabetic needs yet and heck truth be told we still don’t know his patterns yet. T1 is absolutely an art form not a science. 2+2 DOESN’T equal 4. Joshua has been left less than 5 times without Brian or myself. Only 1 of those times he was awake and none of them for longer than 2 hours. The reality of it is though that we have not been on a date in 7 months. We have learned how to have great family dates. We haven’t been to our church in 5 months. We went one time and kept Joshua with us. ***THIS WAS A NIGHTMARE*** We have turned down several invites to events because they weren’t kid friendly or just one of us went. When my dad was in the hospital for 14 days in July, Joshua had to go with me to help my mom and dad during the day and when he was in the ICU I couldn’t go to the hospital because I had no one to watch him. On top of all this my son is now stranger phobic - and this doesn’t work for me. HE SCREAMS like crazy if we see friends and they want to hold or play with him. This is POST hospital stay. PRE hospital stay he was loving to everyone, never fussy (except right before dx) and very friendly.

I have had LOTS of offers from friends and family to watch him, but I am not sure they really want to take full control of all that goes into watching a little baby with T1 that cannot communicate at all with you his needs. He can’t tell you when he is low or to remind you that EVERYTHING that goes in his mouth must be counted and covered. He can’t tell you to make sure you get all the bubbles out of the needle because every bubble is taking up space for his life support meds. That if you leave bubbles you are not giving him enough meds and when he is already on diluted insulin every nano space counts. I actually had someone say to me *lovingly* I can watch him really how hard can it be... I was fully prepared to give up date nights and solo time with hubby. We have enjoyed our cost savings as only 1 of us gets to go do something at a time, but alas there are events coming up that force us to change our ways.


I have a friend getting married. I’ve known her for 21 years. It is a no kids wedding. What do I do???

My beautiful sister has planned an elegant and magical wedding day on 10/23. Jackson my 4 year old is her ring bearer. I have been looking forward to this day for so many years and as her maid of honor I AM SO EXCITED to participate in every pre-wedding set up I can. My husband has also been asked to be a groomsman. Now, my sister has made every effort to make this as easy for us as possible, but really it is still not "easy" (well not as easy as it would have been pre dx). The wedding is at 4:30 on Saturday with a black tie reception to follow. Sara has arranged (very graciously) to have a group called the wedding sitters to watch the children upstairs during dinner and dancing. That will be easy enough, we will just take him up and go up to check on him ourselves. Pack all his own snacks, and meals, and STRESS to them the importance of not giving him anything else. But Friday and Thursday with all the pre wedding activities is where we have issues. My in-laws have agreed to come and watch the boys Friday during the rehearsal dinner which will be on a beautiful boat in the PA harbor. We will gone for SEVERAL hours, not counting the morning of the wedding getting ready, doing pictures, hair and makeup. (not the kind of thing you want a cranky, teething, 18 month old tagging along for) This however will be the In-laws first time doing ANY of Joshua's d care. I am not sure how to walk the fine line of being over protective and being careful. I’m not sure how to make sure they know EVERYTHING they need to know and not be condescending

My dad has been diagnosed with Bladder Cancer and will need to begin chemo in the next few weeks, I need to be able to be there for him and my mom, I WANT to be able to drop everything and take him to some treatments, to help when and where I can but how can leave Joshua with anyone who might not be as careful as I am? HOW can I ask someone to quite literary be responsible to keep him alive?

I am a creative memories consultant and every year we have an incentive trip to great locations. I have earned 6 of the last 8 years. Brian and I LOVED these trips and Jackson loved staying with his grandparents. I missed 1 because Joshua was being born :) and one this year because of the dx. The next trip is a week in Cancun... HELLO we could use this trip as a couple... BUT really a WEEK of asking someone else to take care of our son, to do 12 am, 3 am and maybe more overnight checks... HECK there is no way. So instead I am going to have to take someone other than my husband and still have to get someone to stay at the house to help take care of Joshua while Brian works. or not go... tell me what kind of answer is that??

Our church doesn’t have a child care center that I feel comfortable in so we have begun the search for a new church... We went this last week and Joshua did okay. I tested before I left and just told them use only these snacks, count what you give him and I’ll do the rest. 1 hour later I came back and he was fine.. I was fine and I did the math for the snacks.


I AM SO TIRED I can’t think straight, I fall asleep sometimes while trying to spend time with Jackson when Joshua is napping. When both of them nap I feel guilty if I nap because I then have to cook, clean, work, and do laundry when they are awake and I want to be a better mom then that. I feel so guilty about it MY husband is amazing and is working so hard to keep us afloat when all this insurance and job crap has happened. he does the 3 am shift most weekends and tries to let me sleep in on the weekend, but when does he get a break...

I just feel so alone (outside of you guys of course) I feel like everyone has so much going on in their lives and I know we could have it so much worse. YES D SUCKS!!! But thank GOD there is treatment and a course of action to take. There are other mothers blogging right now about making burial arrangements, mothers blogging about children who will never know laughter or running. Mothers who are blogging about illness that are so rare and so horrible that they don’t even have support groups to participate in. AND I KNOW I should be grateful that Joshua is otherwise healthy and okay, but dang it I am pissed right now.

I guess when it all gets down to it I am pissed that my child can’t be carefree. That my family can’t be care free. That I am having to create a care manual to care for my child. That love, food, water and safety aren’t enough for him. That I can’t just let him to play at a friend’s house, that he can’t just get dropped off at the grandparents, that I can’t just let a hotel sitter watch him. I am pissed that when he sees the testing kit come out he holds out his finger.... When I go to hand him a drink he signs "test test test" to me. That I feel like I have to say every time someone hears my baby has D that he didn’t get it from lack of diet and exercise but from an auto immune issue. ( I mean really do you think I gave my 11 month old soda and ho hos???) I am pissed I am giving in to all this anger and not being the perky, happy, mommy I was 8 months ago. That my temper is getting the better of me lately, and that I cant multitask anymore. I miss me… I miss who I was…

Thank you for letting me rant and if you are a friend of mine or family PLEASE don’t take any of this the wrong way. I love you and appreciate all you do for us. I want to let you watch Joshua we just have to learn together how to do that.

Blessed

I know I have been grumpy with some of my posting lately so I am taking a break from that today to update you on some fantastic news.  I mentioned in the end of July that my friend Amanda McGhee with Kimberlin Gray Photography was going to do a fundraiser for our family to help off set some the large medical bills and the health insurance issues we were having. Well she had 13 families participate in her mini session day and she donated over $1200 to my family!  I CANT BELIEVE this happened! I was in awe of everyones sweet kindness and support!  A few of the familys we know but the majority of them are people we have never met! Cobra payments are about $2000 alone then of course we have copays, past medical bills and all the other things you all have to.  But this was a HUGE HELP!  I wanted to share with you some of the photos she took of our family that day.   

** I have permission to post these please dont think I stole the pics from her website**

Team Davis this is the best family shot I think we have ever had

Jackson 4 years and Joshua 18 months

Sending you a big kiss and lots of Love!!

The Zoo

In VA during the summer, we don’t get very many nice days. Today was a nice day! The normal humid 99 degree feels like it is 110 was replaced by 80 degree light breeze and slightly cloudy with a sprinkle in the afternoon! IT WAS A PERFECT DAY!! When I woke up in the am, I had decided that today was going to be a good day. So up we go, blood sugar check showed 177 this is great for us we have been battling highs this summer... heck who am I kidding since DX we have been too high on avg. (Joshua never honeymooned) this is for another post, we have breakfast, and chat with my mom to see if she wanted to go to the zoo today. She said yes. This is at 9:00 am. Then starts the mess of getting ready. Do I have supplies, yes, snacks yes, milk for 10:30 am snack, yes, lunch ... crap part of it but I need to stop at store on way, do I have things for the 4 year old because of course, he will want a snack if the younger brother gets one. Okay Mom arrives at 10ish, pack everyone up start driving... tire light comes on... nail in tire... can I make it till Brian gets home.. yes... run into the store to get lunchables... yes I know not the healthiest but it is premeasured and proportioned... okay back in the car... CRAP I forgot to give the unit of insulin for the milk he downed at 10:15 as soon as he saw it... okay back in the car on the way... we arrive at 11:30.. the zoo is 20 min tops from my house... Here is where I get really irritated.... DO YOU KNOW how many kids I saw walking around today just eating snacks out of bags, mom had no care or clue how much they were eating... It made my heart break. We had to sit for 45 minutes at the Giraffe exhibit to make sure we ate all our food and counted it all did the math, do our shots. I WAS irritated and sad. It really just took a chunk of fun out of today. Not because my son couldn’t eat some crappy goldfish out of a crappy bag but because I will never have the ease of just giving my child a snack to subdue him because he just wants something to snack on. I have to count out each dam fish, and then make sure they don’t drop on the floor, then I have to pull out the D bag out of this HUGE GIANTIC UGLY BLUE BAG that I have to fight with on the stroller, draw the insulin look at the other moms and kids watching me give my son a shot.
Yes I know this is the only life he will ever know but REALLY a toddler at 18 months should be able to snack whenever he wants. At dinner we are fighting over the feeding issue. YES I WANT to stop feeding my child. He is 18 months by golly but really I HAVE TO FEED him... I can’t weigh what ends up on the bib and floor to take it out of the carbs I preweighed for dinner. He is frustrated, I am frustrated and I WANT to make this easier for him and I CANT!
As much as I don’t want to admit it, The truth is he isn't normal and I can’t treat him as such. This is still heartbreaking 7 months later. We are looking at trying to find a new church because our church doesn't have a beeper service for the child watch. We haven’t been in so long because I refuse to leave him. Our nursery was good enough for Jackson and Joshua pre D but not now. REALLY now I can’t even go to my church because of D!! I know I am irritated and frustrated and with time some of these issues will resolve themselves, but right now it just sucks. Overall it has been a hard, rough summer (more stories to come later) and I really just wanted today to be a great day. The poor kids in snack cups and bags really just sent me over the edge I think.

Jackson and Joshua

Joshua showing me the animals

My big boy!

playing in the water

the boys

Give Away

This is my first time particpating in a giveaway but if you havent seen it yet make sure you go and check out Candy hearts she is doing an amazing giveaway... Here is the blog info
http://www.candyheartsblog.com/ While you are there check out her story and have some fun with her great info!! 
Big hugs!
Shannon

I took a leap

So I did it! I took the leap and left Joshua yesterday for almost 3 hours. I had a funeral to go to for my previous boss and mentor, Brian had to work and we need him not to take off... so what was I going to do??? Well, Mom to the rescue. The service was at 3 and it was only 20 mins away. She and my dad came over at 1 to get a crash course. Jackson the 4 year old was full of info and trying to be helpful but was really just interrupting the entire time. He was trying to teach nana too though you see... anyway got him to bed and then had about a 30 min crash course. She got it though and we ended lunch with her giving the shot. So I put Joshua down for his nap at 2:30 and left the house. She was going to text me with the wake up numbers if needed but since we were doing bed late she wasn’t going to need to feed him. Anyway everything went well! I was able to have a meaningful goodbye and Joshua took a 3 hour nap. What is more important is Mom got a trial run, I had to relax and let her do it and everyone lived to tell about! I think we were both stressed out at first but everything went well and I am so very thankful she was here to do this. I will tell you I was pretty devastated and mad at D when I thought I might not be able to go simply because of Diabetes.



So there D I didn’t let you rule today!


THANKS again MOM and DAD! I love you both!!

Amazed

 So we have had a lot going on at our house. My husband is a Speech Therapist and his company lost some contracts which meant cut backs. This meant that his job was terminated. UGH!! So he has found a new job starting Aug 12 with benefits beginning on Oct. 1st. Cobra is our only option as we have 2 Type 1's in the family Brian and Joshua of course. We looked at splitting us up and price wise it wasn’t effective. Any way, the govt had a subsidy set up for anyone who was terminated prior to May 31st and they would pay 65% of the cost.... of course his job ended June 25th. So we are footing a $2000 bill for Cobra and Brian is working 3 part time jobs till 8/12. All of this plus the normal cost of living with D, the hospital bills and of course medical expenses for my very active, accident prone 4 year old have left us quite short on cash this summer. In steps some amazing people. The social worker at our endo office has been working closely with me to help us find resources we qualify for. Did you know that if you are working to pay your bills and not get behind you qualify for a lot less resources??? I laughingly told Brian we should have just let him have the summer off and he could relax and have fun! Okay so really... Lilly has a program Lily cares for anyone 3 years and older! (not us) they also have a program to give out 5 Humolog pens (we have to use diluted). The Lilly rep for my doctor said they could give us a vial of insulin but the pharmacy (the only one in our area who dilutes) said they cant accept it as they cant guarantee the reliability of it... I get it, I do but really... come on people work with me. So then my Endo office graciously offered to help with one of our bills this month. So they paid our power bill! HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!! I was floored. Then a really good friend of mine let it slip to some other good friends and then magic started happening. My friend and owner of Kimberlin Gray photography set up a FUNDRAISER for OUR family. She is doing an entire day of photos and donating 100% of the profit to us to help with outstanding medical bills! I WAS FLOORED and amazed! On top of this friends have been dropping off diapers, wipes and other resources at our house. Then today we received 2 very generous donations without signing up for pictures. I cant tell you how amazing this has been in the last few days. Over the course of the last 2 weeks I have been very depressed and unsure of how we were going to do this without loosing our footing. I am so very thankful to everyone for their prayers, thoughts and gifts... both monetary and of their time. I am a very lucky person and my family is very thankful for all the friends and family in our life!

Advice??

Okay so we haven't had a sitter for Joshua yet. We did put him in day care at a church we took a financial class at because we were right upstairs the class was an hour and they have a beeper system. They didn’t even have to think about his diabetes. They just played and we did everything. At our church we have taken him with us instead of putting him in nursery time or I volunteered in the nursrey and missed church. I know we are being slightly over protective but this our truth. So my question is do you use a sitter? How did you find them? Do you pay more because of Diabetes? My endo said she would recommend the daughter of her nurse who has a type 1 sister. Would you allow a high school senior to sit for your 15 month T1? Do you think they have to have family who has had T1 or is that just an added bonus. What will you allow them to do? Or do you make sure you are home before shots are needed.
Bonus question- For your T1 boys what id gear have you chosen. They have cute girl ones but I cant find a boy one I like.

Joshua's updates

We have had a very busy week this week. We had Joshua's 15 month well baby visit and he did great! He weighed in at 23lbs and the 45%. The best was he was up in height from the 10% group to 25% at 30in in only 3 months. Remember that Joshua was dx at 11 months with a BS of over 1200. We almost lost him and had no idea he was sick... It is a long story and I haven’t been able to write it fully yet. But they are concerned that the severe highs did growth damage and this is a good sign that maybe it won’t be as bad as they think. He got an all clear from the doctor except this pesky lump on his chest between his ribs and belly button. It has moved and gotten bigger as he has gotten bigger so she scheduled us to meet with the surgeon. We met with the surgeon and it is a epigastric hernia. This isn’t anything to major but it will need to be taken care of. The doctor said sometime in the next year but that he is more concerned with making sure Joshua is more stable with the diabetes. We also had our visit with the Endo. This is our 2nd visit. We saw her in April as a follow up and then she also wanted to see us now. We will meet with the nurse in September so I am excited and hopeful this means she thinks we are getting to be more knowledgeable. She still talks to us weekly after I send in our charts but I am excited at the idea of fewer appointments. At $20 a pop plus 20% of the visits this is a big help if we can meet less. So more good news Joshua’s A1C in April was 9.8- (keep in mind for anyone less than 6 they want it to be 8.5-7.5 for anyone under 2 they don’t have a model number but she wants to see it around 9). Anyway, so when she retook it this June (not the full 3 months apart) it was 9.6! She was thrilled about how well he is doing. She adjusted all his numbers again of course. So we are now on carbs/40 *4 and a lantus dose of 3. Since the change on Thursday we have only seen 1 300 or above and that was due to checking to soon!! WE ARE SO EXCITED!! 
We also had to go to the doctor this week for a mysterious rash that has dried out his little skin really badly but with Aquaphor we are getting it back to normal.
So 4 dr. appts in one week has me wondering... can they daft my account every pay period and put me on the budget plan???

What Ive learned

Okay so here are some things I have learned... (in no particular order)

• No matter how hard I try, I can't predict yet what foods and activities will do to Joshua. - Try as I might 4 months later I still haven’t found any trends. He will go high or low following activities. Foods I have no idea what will do what for him. I try to keep things balanced but I am at loss on this still! The Dr. says it is normal and with him so young we don’t worry about this yet.
• Joshua's dr will ask me about the one log time I can’t visually remember and I will feel like a bad mom.- I swear she calls every week to check his numbers against the log I send in and we change his formulas based on these calls. I AM LUCKY she does this and not complaining but you can bet the one time she has a question about in the week is the one time I cant remember exactly what happen.
• Joshua will not eat what I want him to when I want him to. - If he is high and I do a low carb dinner he WONT eat it yet the night he is low and I do a high carb dinner he will turn up his nose to that and want the low carb options. remember he is only 15 months so of course it is not just D.
• We each have different children with different formulas. It amazes me when I see someone excited about bed time numbers of around 125. Joshua is to be between 100-200 *YEA RIGHT* but over night if he is under 150 we are to wake up and give carbs. If over 350 we give insulin. Again this has to do with him being so young but when we hit 75 in this house (which is great for some) it sends us in a tail spin.
• Just when I think that we can reduce how much we spend on co pays- the boys get sick and the 15 month check up hits and the endo visit hits... UGHHHHH Have I mentioned I HATE 80/20 plans!
• I cant just go on a play date with the boys anymore. I have to pack the entire kitchen sink with me so if I say no to a play date it is not about not wanting to hangout but more about not having the energy to plan out everything he will eat while we are away.
• I cant catch up on the D mom blogs and not cry no matter how hard I try. I cry about what I know you all are struggling with. I cry for what I learn is yet to come for me. I cry for the innocence our family has lost. I cry because I know for some families Diabetes would be a relief and I feel the great burden from it.
• I have learned that I will never stop being annoyed at the question "is this like forever or just a phase?" " Can't you just feed him correctly?"- Like I was feeding my 11 month old baby soda and candy for uhhh any meal??? Thank you for being concerned but really???
• I have learned that the term breast fed baby no longer carries the weight with me it did before. Jackson was healthy as a horse only going to well baby visits. Joshua he started off with reflux and it only went from there. Both were exclusively breast fed. Go figure!
• I have learned that a glass of wine or 2 will never taste as sweet again for the fear that I will sleep past the 3 am alarm.
Okay so maybe this is a little bit of a rant today, but it feels good! THANKS for listening

Need your opinion

I am in need of 2 things from all the readers out there...
1.  What scale do you recommend for home use? And which do you recommend for travel use.  We need to get a serious scale.  Not that the one we have isnt serious... but it well isnt... So let me know the good the bad and the ugly about shopping for one.

2.  During D-Blog week someone posted what looked like great mini egg quiches made in a muffin tin they use for breakfast. I cant find the reciepe now can anyone help me out?

THANKS so much!!

Day 6- Diabetes Snapshots

Day 6 - Diabetes snapshots. Inspired by the Diabetes 365 project, let’s snap a few d-related pictures to share today. Post as many or as few as you’d like. Be creative! Feel free to blog your thoughts on or explanations of your pictures. Or leave out the written words and let the pictures speak for themselves.

This is hard for me as I haven't focused on the photo taking yet but thought Id post some I have. 

This is Joshua 24 hours after DX. He was notdoing well here.  Ill tell his story later but this is still in the PICU and we were still praying for everything to be okay.

This is his ER Doc in Blue and one of his nurses in Red that came back to check on him.  They almost lost him because no one expected him to be Diabetic. They thought he had a virus or head injury.  The Doctor is credited with saving his life as she "smelled" the diabetes. 

Before we left the PICU I had to do his shot!  This was very hard for me!  (as I know you are aware of)

our first night in our room.  I hated this thing on his arm!

our awesome doctor!! She ROCKS!

Our Hospital team!  Dr. G, Dr. Rachel Cohen (our amazing resident), Renee, our Nurse Educator, and the 1st year intern who I never got his name.  The staff learned quick to cover their scrubs so Joshua would let them near him!  He loved Rachel and so did I. She spent an amazing amount of time with me helping me come to terms with everything. 

Leaving the hospital after 7 long days!! IT WAS SO GREAT to go home!

This is the number of needles Joshua uses in 3 weeks!!

This is an image that I took for granted prior to 2/13/10.  I always assumed Id celebrate his big day with a birthday cake smashing. When we were in the hospital I remember crying myself to sleep one night because I didn't think my baby would be able to have birthday cake.  (not that I needed the cake smashing, but that it was something he COULD NOT have)  3 weeks later we had these taken and then had the biggest celebration party with birthday cake you can dream of.  We were so thankful that we were able to be with our baby! 

Day 5- Lets get Moving

Day 5- Let's get moving. Exercise . . . love it or hate it? Do you have a regular exercise routine? Or do you have trouble finding your exercise motivation? How do you manage your insulin and food to avoid bottoming out during your workout? Today is the day to tell us all about your exercise habits, or lack thereof.

Okay so I didnt quit I just got behind... I have a ton of excuses but this is not the time or the place:)  With Joshua being only 14 months old exercise is not a problem for us.  He is learning things everyday from climbing, to running, we have a gym class we go to every week plus he is following his big brother everywhere:)  This is a really easy one for us.

Day 4- To carb or not to carb . . .

Blog Week Thursday 5/13 - To carb or not to carb. Today let’s blog about what we eat. And perhaps what we don’t eat. Some believe a low carb diet is important in diabetes management, while others believe carbs are fine as long as they are counted and bolused for. Which side of the fence do you fall on? What kind of things do you eat for meals and snacks? What foods do you deem bolus-worthy? What other foodie wisdom would you like to share?



Okay this is an easy one. Since Joshua was only 11 months old (now 14 months) our doctor was very specific about this. She told us that in Joshua's case he need all the regular and normal food that every other child has. She has told me not to limit him at all since he is developing. She said later in life when things are different we can talk about carb control. I do of course take into thought that if he was high at check then to make sure to go lighter on the carbs at meal time. This being said we were strict with Jackson at this age on what he ate too. So we don’t have things like gummy worms every day or chips with every meal. Sweets go bad in our house before they get eaten. If I make a cake or cupcakes they go to work with my hubby after we have each had one or so. I don’t stock junk food. Jackson's snacks involve craisns, trail mix, goldfish and fruit. Both boys love steamed carrots and broccoli but I can not get Joshua to eat much more then that. Breakfast is usually, Eggs, Pancakes, cheerios, oatmeal. Lunch is PBJ (not Joshua for a few more months) turkey and cheese or quesadillas. Dinner is usually a meat, veggie and sometimes a starch. This can be a casserole or individual parts. I have only made one recipe from scratch since Dx as I am scared to mess it up and do the math wrong. It was a Mexican casserole that went over great!


I need help on figuring out great dinner meals that are not ready made (easy carb counting). I love to make casseroles but am struggling to find ways to count them and make it work for the entire family. I am not a separate meal chick. Any ideas??